“Why are your breasts small?” Such a brilliant question I had got from a few morons. “I don’t think you should wear that, your breasts look small”. I have heard this from friends, family and people who have no business asking, telling me or even talking to me in the first place. I have never weighed more than 60 kg and presently I weigh 58kg and measure 5’5 inches in height. In university my highest weight was 48 kg. Prior to university, I don’t want to get into how much I weighed. But not once did I look anorexic. I was just naturally slim.
Right from when I knew myself, people had always laughed and teased me about my weight. My mother’s friends would ask her if I ate at all sometimes. My friends, my friend’s mothers, enemies and all sorts of people thought they needed to voice their opinion about my weight. 99% being females. It seemed like my mum had bought into the idea too. She would sometimes have a cane beside my food to ensure I finished it and it was just torturous. Somehow your children looking plump showed you weren’t suffering. Really? I recall one of the very few stupid boys that ever tried to shame me about my weight. I felt pity for him and just starred. He was shorter than I was, skinny with bad dentition and his lips were tilted in a particular way I couldn’t comprehend.
For a long time, I hated myself. I battled low self-esteem. I wouldn’t come out from my room when we had visitors, I hated people looking at me especially boys because I thought all they would ponder on was how skinny I was. I didn’t like pictures too. My neck looked inevitably long. One of my brother’s female friends had asked if I drank only water in my life time.
I remember one of my mother’s friends had come visiting and brought her kids along and she started again about my weight and all I wanted to tell her was how her daughter’s forehead was massive and the back was as flat as an iron surface. Why did all this people think they had a right? She mentioned how her daughter had started wearing a bra but look at me, still waiting on breasts. I had held so much in my mind, so much anger and bitterness because most of them had at least 50% of physical “defects” I could also point out from bad dentition to bow legs, and the list goes on but I was afraid of confrontation and did not want to seem disrespectful.
Finally the day I had had enough came! I just started my second year in Covenant University and there was this girl I had no feelings whatsoever about her looks but for a fact she was not physically appealing. My roommate had invited about 5 girls to our room and she happened to be among them and I just came out of the bathroom with my towel wrapped around me. It was ladies only so I proceeded to dress my yellow skinny body. I noticed this chick was looking at me like she never seen a fine girl. Lol! After a few seconds she said “Amanda you are like this” and proceeded to stick a finger out. It was like a moment in time was paused. I stared at her for a few seconds dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe this physically unattractive girl with chopped hair, no hips, no waistline and plenty of acne had the audacity to speak to me like that. I finally opened my mouth and told her she was right! I’m like this (sticking out my finger) but you’re ugly! And then……. War broke out but I was all for it. She jumped up and shouted that she wasn’t looking to get insulted and tried to run out of the room. I grabbed my towel and ran after her. She started but I was going to finish it. The issue was that the only thing she had against me was my weight but sh#t! There was so much I leveled her with and it was all facts. I came for her face, waist line, legs and for some odd reason, I felt so satisfied. That was the last day I let anyone talk about my body in a derogatory manner. People older than myself were not excluded from my backlash. Another of my mother’s friends had told me I needed to add weight and I told her she needed to lose some and her child needed braces! The shock on her face was delicious. I told another sarcastically that in my lifetime I had only taken in air since she wanted to know if I ever ate food.
As much as I had these body shamers, I had just as much people always telling me I was such a pretty girl with lovely hair but I allowed the negative talk fill me instead and I lost myself esteem totally. At such a young age I had let suicidal thoughts even creep in because I didn’t want to be seen.
I came to realize that all these women who enjoyed shaming me were just insecure and jealous. This realization came when one day still in university I went to take a poop in another block because I felt my block wasn’t clean at that time. As I sat down, two girls walked in and were talking and one of them said “I like Amanda’s shape but I can’t tell her that, I would rather say she needs to add weight before her head swells” and the other girl laughed. I wanted to jump out and find out who they were but my bum was glued to the toilet seat with shock. I don’t think any poop came out that day.
“Anyone who feels the need to make derogatory remarks to you about your body when you have not sought their opinion is a jealous and insecure bitch (including males) projecting their insecurities on others.” – Amanda Obasohan.
I haven’t had anyone talk about my body in a derogatory remark for years and years now, I guess the word spread. I don’t condone it when I am present especially if it’s done to a friend.
Occasionally I get insecure especially when my stomach is trying to play fat with me but it will be on my own terms! Not from another female telling me her unsolicited opinion on my own body.
One of the biggest things I have learnt in my 29 years on earth is being confident or insecure is a choice. What you condone is what will continue.